Passivity and Its Impact in a Relationship

For a relationship to function well, there ought to be a healthy give-and-take between the people involved. A one-sided relationship can be quite frustrating for both sides, because either one gets exhausted with giving and getting nothing back, or the other may get frustrated by receiving what may ultimately be unwelcome attention and investment. One significant challenge in relationships is passivity.

On Being Passive

One way to describe what it means to be passive is to say that it’s when a person has an attitude or exhibits behaviors that are marked by a lack of initiative, action, or assertiveness. When a person is being passive in a situation, they are typically avoiding expressing their needs, not standing up for themselves, and also possibly not taking responsibility for their circumstances and actions.

Being passive has a few typical traits, and these include people-pleasing, where a person prioritizes other people’s needs over their own, even to their detriment. It also includes shying away from disagreements or hard conversations; struggling to express one’s needs, feelings, and wants; having difficulty acting or making decisions; and struggling to set healthy limits or boundaries with other people.

A common result of these various traits of passive behavior is resentment or burnout. Everyone has feelings, needs, wants, and limits, and when you don’t express these assertively, what often happens is you do things you’d rather not do, and you end up getting stretched beyond your capacity.

Passivity in relationships takes many different forms. Some examples could include steering clear of discussions that might be uncomfortable or lead to conflict, or saying “yes” to something your spouse requests from you without paying attention to your capacity, needs, or desires. Lastly, being passive could also look like not asserting your preferences and letting others dictate your actions or choices.

How Being Passive Affects a Relationship

When a person is passive in a relationship, it means they don’t typically take the initiative, nor do they take responsibility for themselves and what they do. If a person is passive, they’ll struggle to express what they feel, and they won’t stand up for themselves or what they need for their spouse or partner.

Passivity refers to a behavior or attitude characterized by a lack of action, initiative, or assertiveness. Passive individuals often avoid taking responsibility, expressing their needs or feelings, or standing up for themselves. This can affect a relationship in several ways, including the following:

Avoiding conflict By avoiding conflict and difficult discussions, you don’t work through issues affecting the relationship. This creates room for resentment to fester; while things may seem okay on the surface, there are serious issues in the relationship that may go unaddressed.

Exhaustion The partner who typically initiates, is assertive, and expresses what they need, may find themselves feeling exhausted by the dynamic in the relationship. If they are the ones required to come up with ideas, investigate what works, and then work out the details, that may become overwhelming in the long run. It’s not a partnership, and the one-sidedness may also become a source of resentment.

The exhaustion in the relationship stems from the emotional dependence that the passive partner develops. The passive partner is dependent on their opposite making decisions and coming up with solutions for them, leading to a codependent dynamic.

Unhealthy and ineffective communication If one spouse or partner is passive, it makes it hard to have open and honest communication about anything. What could result is a power imbalance in the relationship, in which the needs of the assertive partner are expressed and met, but those of the passive partner aren’t.

Poor intimacy and connection Being passive can also result in poor intimacy and a lack of meaningful connection. If you’re not taking the initiative or sharing your opinions, needs, wants, and dreams, you aren’t sharing your authentic self. Being passive leads to merely mirroring the other person and going along with what they want, and that doesn’t lead to a true connection.

Being passive can quietly destroy a relationship over time. Passivity isn’t to be mistaken for being kind or agreeable, but rather it’s abdicating responsibility and leaving the other person to do the work in the relationship. For the health of the relationship, the imbalance in the relationship must be addressed.

Overcoming Passivity in a Relationship

There are many reasons why someone is passive in a relationship. The roots of it may be deep, from having controlling parents or a living situation that promoted codependency, to losing one’s voice in the relationship over time. However, passivity can be overcome to develop a healthy relationship dynamic.

Some steps you can take to overcome being passive include practicing assertiveness to clearly express what you feel, want, and need. You can learn how to make decisions by practicing it, even and especially when it feels challenging and uncomfortable. It’s important to set and communicate limits with other people so that you reinforce your energy, time, and well-being.

What may be a crucial first step, saved here for last, is to recognize that you are being passive, and to seek support. You can reach out to a coach or a counselor in Westlake who can help you. A counselor in Westlake can create a safe space in which to explore the patterns of thinking and behavior that lean into passivity. By taking a good look at yourself, you can begin to change things and learn new, healthy ways to relate to others.