Family Rifts: You Can’t Choose Your Family, or Can You?

They say that you can’t choose your family like it’s some kind of unbreakable rule written into the DNA of existence. Like blood automatically equals love, loyalty, and unrelenting bonds. But what if blood is just biology and not the single factor in determining and defining your family?

Maybe you’ve spent years trying to make it work with your “real” family. Maybe you’ve got scars from biting your tongue or automatically shrink away from large gatherings because you have been conditioned to believe they will always end in drama. Maybe you’ve played the peacemaker during holidays when someone in the family inevitably has too much wine and speaks with the tact of a buffalo.

You’ve tried to be the bigger person. The perfect son or daughter. The quiet and calm one. And maybe you’ve played that part so well that you have forgotten what it’s like to be your authentic self. Or maybe you don’t even know what that is.

Sometimes, for your own health and well-being, you have to create distance from toxic family members, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be alone for the rest of your life. What if you were able to build your own support system, your own family? You can!

That roommate who sat through the night with you when your anxiety spiraled at 2 am is more of a sister than your biological sibling. Your coworker who brings you soup when you’re sick and didn’t ask for anything in return might just become closer than a brother.

The neighbor who watches your dog when you leave for a family emergency with no questions asked might feel more like a cousin than just someone you happen to live next to. None of them shares your last name, but they may well show up for you in a way that family should.

You can’t choose who you’re born to, but you sure can choose who you build your life with.

If your family has abandoned you or has left scars you’re still carrying today, you’re not alone. Many people don’t find the acceptance and love they crave from their “real” family. But the good news is that no matter what is on your birth certificate, you’re still a member of the family of Christ, and you will always belong.

Of course, it’s ideal to be surrounded by healthy family members, but that isn’t always a possibility. However, just because your birth family is broken and messed up doesn’t mean that you are orphaned. God is your Heavenly Father, and He can and will build a healthy family for you through your church or other social outlets.

If you’ve experienced family-related trauma, consider visiting a licensed therapist who can help you identify the causes of your trauma and give you tools to help you find healing. They can also help you find realistic and effective ways to connect with other people, stop chasing apologies from family members that aren’t likely to come, stop setting a place at the table for people who never plan to show, and they can show you the beauty in meeting those who accept you with open arms.

Maybe you can’t choose your relatives in the traditional sense, but you sure can choose your family. To learn more and to meet with a therapist, contact our office today.