Processing Anger After Infidelity

Anger can be a tricky topic to talk about because so many of us have been taught to see it as a negative or harmful emotion. The truth is that anger is a neutral and often logical emotion for us to feel, especially as we navigate life after infidelity and betrayal.

Our lives blow up when we have been betrayed, and nothing will ever be the same again in some sense. It’s hard to know how to move forward, and understandably, we might not be able to deal with all of our emotions, but sooner or later, we must process our anger after infidelity.

Working through Anger After Infidelity

There are three key things to know as we begin processing anger.

• Feeling angry about the betrayal is normal, logical, and even helpful.
• Anger is a secondary emotion. It covers other emotions.
• Practical ways of processing anger will help us feel better in so many ways.

Anger is normal, logical, and helpful

Even though anger is a normal emotion that everyone feels, many of us have been taught that it is a dangerous, harmful, or even shameful emotion. This belief can hinder our healing as it forces us to stuff all of our thoughts and feelings into neat boxes where they can’t cause any harm. Unfortunately, emotions are a bit like beach balls; you can never fully submerse them, and they always pop back up to the surface.

When we have been cheated on, our whole world explodes. Our boundaries have been violated. We have been disrespected and we have been treated in a way that violates our self-worth. In some cases, our entire family, future, and friendship circles are affected. It is only logical that we should be outraged. It is healthy for us to acknowledge our anger. You are kind to yourself when you don’t minimize your experiences and reactions.

Anger is a secondary emotion

Anger tends to come with several other emotions, which, in the case of betrayal, might be humiliation, shame, guilt, fear, sadness, or helplessness. If we try to stifle or repress our feelings of anger, we will still have to deal with these other emotions because they are all connected.

We might want to move on and heal from the experience, but the only way out of it is through it. In other words, the only way to truly move on is to acknowledge and feel your feelings, however messy or unpleasant they might be. No one wants to remain in the feelings, but if you picture them as water, you do have to swim through them if you want to reach the other side of the river.

Practical Ways of Processing Anger

Anger is a kinesthetic emotion, which means that it begs to be expressed in practical ways. This is why many people shout when they’re angry. They might also break things, become physically aggressive, or feel their core body temperature rapidly rise. It is an emotion that needs to be vented, although this is the point at which we might end up regretting our actions or words.

In the old days, our parents and grandparents might have told us not to go to bed angry. This is wise advice. When we feel anger, rage, or frustration, our body temperature rises, we begin sweating, and we become short of breath. The cortisol levels in our nervous system spike, and basically, it is as if our system goes on high alert.

We don’t have to let anger dictate our state of mind or health, however. There are ways that we can physically process our anger. This helps dissipate anger. The reason anger has been looked down on is that some ways of venting it can be harmful. Picking healthy and safe outlets is important in defusing anger positively.

Doing these physical things might help us find space to think again. Things we can do to physically vent our anger are:

• Going for a walk or jog.
• Working out in the gym.
• Scream-singing along to music (in a private space where we won’t be overheard).
• Calling a friend and asking if we can just vent for a bit.
• Writing our feelings out, being careful not to censor ourselves, no matter how ugly or unkind the words feel.

Next Steps to Handle Anger After Infidelity

If you are struggling to process anger after infidelity and feel like you need a safe space to figure things out, we invite you to contact us at Westlake Christian Counseling in California. The counselors in Westlake, California are well-trained in the area of betrayal trauma, and all will maintain confidentiality as you process your emotions with them.

To get connected to the right counselor for you, contact our office today at Westlake Christian Counseling. You are not alone. You don’t have to figure anything out besides your next step.