What to Do When You’re in a Toxic Marriage
In Christian circles, toxic marriage is not often discussed. They are taught how to have healthy relationships (to an extent) based on what the Bible tells them to do. “Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church.” “Wives submit to your husbands as the church submits to Christ.” They are told that infidelity is wrong, and that divorce is a sin.
What they are not taught is what to do when a marriage becomes toxic – like poison – slowly destroying one or both people until nothing is left. Christian culture has begun talking about what it looks like to deal with other types of toxic relationships.
However, when Christian couples are in toxic marriages, they frequently get advice from pastors or leaders within the church telling them to keep their struggles quiet, keep leading in the church despite their marriage problems, and that divorce is never an option for them.
Wives leave feeling like they should always submit even if their husbands are abusive, manipulative, and controlling. Husbands leave feeling like they should love their wives even after their wives have cheated on them. Nothing gets resolved. People remain stuck in lifeless, life-draining marriages with no real help.
All marriages go through hard moments and seasons, and no marriage is perfect. When a marriage becomes toxic, it is important to take it seriously and know the best next steps. Here are some of the signs of a toxic marriage:
Signs of a Toxic Marriage
Secrets/ Deceit
From one or both partners, keeping secrets or repeatedly deceiving one another is a sign that the marriage has gotten very unhealthy. Trust is foundational to a long-lasting, life-giving marriage. The Relational Attachment Model says that good relationships are founded on intimate knowledge, the ability to rely on each other, full trust, commitment, and touch. If partners can’t trust one another, then what is the point of being in a committed marriage?
Withdrawal
Sometimes couples can find themselves like two ships passing in the night. Their lives become so busy with kids and work and extracurricular activities that they realize they barely speak to or spend time with one another. Withdrawal is different. It is more intentional. People withdraw when they are hurt or struggling with something.
When one or both partners intentionally withdraw from each other, not talking or spending time together or even discussing the problems in their relationship, their marriage is on the brink of divorce, according to John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Manipulation/ Controlling Behavior
Though many assume this behavior comes from a narcissistic husband, wives can be this way, too. This type of behavior can get so bad that it becomes emotionally abusive. Some examples of manipulative or controlling behavior include:
- Gaslighting
- Lying to get what they want
- Threats
- Giving unnecessary ultimatums
- Not allowing one’s partner to go anywhere or do anything
- Being the “boss” in the family
- It’s your way or the highway
- Placing unrealistic and unhealthy expectations on the partner
- Controlling the family schedule
Kids are the center
In modern culture, kids are too often the center of the family. Life revolves around them completely – around their schedules and activities. Unfortunately, marriages fall apart when this is the case. A couple that does not prioritize their marriage will find themselves lost when their kids leave the house.
They no longer know one another because they have not been on a date in eighteen years. They do not like being around each other alone because they have forgotten how. Likewise, the couple should not be the center of the relationship either, because they begin to worship one another. God should be the center, nothing else.
Addiction
Sexual addiction (e.g. – excessive use of pornography) can be a huge downfall in a marriage. Substance abuse can also be detrimental. When addiction comes into play, people are unable to think clearly and make wise decisions. People can even become abusive.
Abuse
Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse is unacceptable behavior in a marriage. Pushing, hitting, kicking, or any physical aggression is dangerous and should never be present in a relationship. Partners can also force sex or sexual activities on the unwilling partner.
Emotional abuse can look like the manipulative, controlling behaviors mentioned earlier. Other things could be constant name-calling and degrading language. Abuse can quickly destroy a marriage, and it is never OK. Partners need to feel safe with each other.
Infidelity
This probably seems self-explanatory, but if infidelity is present, a marriage is well past the unhealthy stage. Again, commitment and trust are foundational to a healthy, thriving marriage. Infidelity ruins this. Repeated infidelity can do even worse damage.
Increased selfishness
When one or both partners mainly think of self and self only, marriages can become unhealthy. Marriage is meant to help people learn what it means to love and serve one another, help to meet some of their needs, and let go of selfishness as much as possible. It is good for one person to consider his or her own needs and take care of himself, but when the self becomes the center, this is not good.
What to Do When Your Marriage Becomes Toxic
Seek godly counsel
If you are a member of a Bible-believing church, godly counsel can come in the form of your pastor. If a pastor is not a viable option for you, seek professional counseling from a Christian counselor who can be unbiased and help you see what is going on. Do not wait. Seek counseling now.
Have intentional conversations
Sit down and give one another undivided attention. Allow each person to have the floor while speaking and work hard to avoid interruptions. Discuss the main toxic behaviors that you see in the marriage. Give examples of each thing.
Talk about what needs to happen for the marriage to continue. Some examples of what this could look like include: telling your partner to get professional treatment if they are battling an addiction or telling a person that the secrets cannot continue.
Stop enabling
Many times, when one person exhibits toxic behaviors in a marriage, the partner is also enabling and acting codependent. The partner does not speak up for himself and stays even through abuse. Because the partner “needs” the other so much, he downplays the toxic behaviors and even may hide those behaviors from others to protect the person.
Speaking about these issues openly and honestly with a trusted person or counselor can be the first important step toward healing. Establish some boundaries and be willing to maintain them.
Prioritize one another
Though God needs to be the center always, the marriage needs to come in a close second. Prioritize spending time with God and staying as active as possible in church. Stay in a good community. Many marriages that crumble are not involved in a good Christian community.
Prioritize each other. Go on dates and take trips just the two of you. Spend time everyday reconnecting with undivided attention. Take the time to know one another and keep knowing one another. Your marriage will last long after your kids leave home if you make each other a priority.
Walk away if it is dangerous
If there is any kind of abuse, repeated infidelity, or serious addiction issues, it may be time to walk away. Though divorce breaks the heart of God, it seems highly unlikely that God would want a person to stay in an unsafe situation.
If the person struggling with addiction or abusive behavior is unwilling to get professional help or do anything to change, the situation is no longer safe. However, many people will say that they will change, even promise that, but they keep doing the same things over and over again. In these cases, it may be best to walk away.
No one needs to endure a toxic marriage. Get professional help and if both parties are willing to work toward change, a toxic marriage can become a healthier one overtime. If both parties are not willing to work toward change, it may be time to step away. Toxic marriages can be incredibly painful if nothing is done about them.
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11 Strategies to Manage Stress
One of the most common struggles in the modern world is stress. The world moves faster than it used to. Several hundred years ago, we had fewer options. You would be born into a town, only know the people in your village, take up your family profession, and marry someone who lived nearby.
While that sort of life may sound boring, it was simpler. There were fewer choices, and with fewer choices, comes less stress. In the world today you have limitless choices of where to live, where to eat, where to go to school, where to work, and whom to date. You can jump on a plane and be on the other side of the world. You can log onto an app and meet limitless people to date. You can go online and order anything you want.
All of these choices can make your life busy. You have responsibilities at work, at home, and with friends. If you add in hobbies, vacations, and the seasonal holidays, you can easily begin to feel overwhelmed. Tack on church and volunteering to the mix, and it’s easy for the stress of your life to swallow you whole. That’s why we need strategies to manage stress.
11 Strategies to Manage Stress
1. Make a Daily and Weekly Routine
This is the first strategy because it will shape all of your other strategies. Building structure into your days and weeks is one of the easiest and most efficient ways to deal with stress. You can tailor it personally to yourself. Maybe you’re an early bird and like to sit down to journal and write out your to-do list for the day. Or maybe you’re a night owl and like to reflect on your day in the evening while laying out your plan for tomorrow. Either way, you will seriously benefit from setting up a routine for your day.
2. Rely on God
In the routine, you will want to create space to connect with God. This will look different for different people. Some will connect with Him through reading scripture. Others will find him through prayer and quiet. While others will connect more deeply through worship. Each of these practices is a way to connect with God and is beneficial. Acknowledging your need for God’s help is the first step toward releasing and managing your stress.
3. Clear Your Head
Part of this routine needs to be clearing your head. Whether it is journaling, listening to music, or taking a walk, find something that helps you clear your head so you can think clearly. Creating some uncluttered headspace will give you time to think about what you need to do for the day and what is most important. If you never create time to clear your head, it’s easy to live from a place of reaction, rather than proactively planning what you want to do.
4. Create a Plan
Another piece of your routine needs to be creating a plan. Don’t just try to work harder. Instead, to help deal with stress, isolate what’s causing it. Is it a big project at work? Or that hard conversation you know you need to have with your brother?
Once you clear your head, plan to tackle the thing that’s really bothering you. If you can’t take care of it immediately, then plan to take care of something else for the day. Accomplishing a goal will help you resolve some tension.
5. Prepare for a Crisis
Some days are harder than others. So sometimes you may need more than your routine. You need to be prepared with a plan for the days your boss assigns you a last-minute project or a loved one gets a bad diagnosis. Without a plan, you can only react and hope for the best, but with a specific crisis plan, you can face even the worst stress storm.
Some things you will want to include in this plan are simple breathing exercises. These are a way to quickly manage your stress anywhere and anytime. Even stepping back and taking three deep breaths is a powerful way to take control of your feelings. Your crisis plan might also include a song you listen to, breaking away to take a quick walk, or even meditating.
6. Figure Out What Works for You
There are limitless articles, self-help books, and coaches who want to tell you how to manage your stress. Many of these can be tremendously helpful but remember that this is about you. If one strategy isn’t working, then try another. If one piece of advice is getting in your way, ignore it. This isn’t about trying to fit into the box of someone else’s success, it’s about finding what works for you. So, don’t be afraid to try different ideas, even if they sound foreign to you.
7. Get Moving
Build exercise into your routine. This may sound cliché, but it works. Exercise helps you to physically resolve some of your stress, keeps you healthy, and can improve your mood.
This doesn’t mean you need to run a marathon. Even 30 minutes a day of walking can help affect your mood and health. Also, if you live disciplined in one area of your life, it is easier to be disciplined in other areas.
8. Avoid scrolling
Social media is a great invention, but it can have some rough side effects. First, the light from the screen is hard on your eyes which can lead to headaches and affect your sleep. Second, social media can harm your mental state. It is the breeding ground for comparison which often leads to depression and anxiety. Instead of aimlessly scrolling, set times to check your social media and respond to friends and family, then stay away from the screen.
9. Open Up
Stress is exceptionally hard to manage on your own. And when you feel overwhelmed by stress, it can feel hard to articulate what is causing it. Once you take time in your routine and can identify the source of your stress, reach out to a friend or family member. Sometimes just talking to another person can help alleviate the stress. Make sure this is someone you can trust and who won’t add to your stress. Having someone to talk to will remind you that you aren’t alone.
10. Find Something You Love
One of the best ways to resolve stress is to replace it with something you love. If you are feeling the weight of an upcoming family gathering or discussion with your boss, sometimes it best to do something to get your mind off it. Maybe for you hiking in the woods relaxes you or maybe it’s getting coffee with a friend. Find something you enjoy to help combat the stress.
11. Eat Better
What we eat might not seem connected to stress, but it is. If you eat poorly, it can make you feel worse and contribute to your feelings of stress. Eating can also be a method to try to resolve your stress. You may be tempted to overeat in the face of stress. Or maybe you will lose your appetite completely. However you respond, having a healthy diet will help you feel good and keep you away from stress eating
Conclusion
Stress doesn’t need to control your life, but it easily can if you don’t have a plan. The choices and responsibilities can easily begin to feel like too much. However, if you create healthy routines and strategies to manage stress that clear your head, keep you focused, and keep you in shape, then you can easily overcome the stress in your life. Like anything good in life, it will require hard work and perseverance, but it is possible.
If you need help implementing strategies to manage stress, feel free to schedule an appointment with one of the counselors at Westlake Christian Counseling. We would be happy to help!
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How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem
I think we often overlook our biggest critic and dream-crusher – ourselves. It is commonly known that tongues are sharp, but our thoughts also have the power of life and death over our dreams, faith, relationships, and view of self.
Satan wants us to use our tongues to speak negatively about ourselves and others, but God wants us to use our tongues to proclaim His greatness. He created us for something greater than ourselves. He created us to be confident in who we are. He created us to love others rather than spend our lives trying to compare and compete with those around us.
Low self-esteem says:
- You will never be pretty or skinny enough.
- You will never be able to pursue your dreams.
- No one will ever love you like that.
- You will never be that smart.
- Why can’t you be more like her?
- Nobody likes you.
- You should be quiet. Your voice does not matter.
- No one respects you or your opinion.
- You cannot make a difference, no matter how hard you try.
How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem
To overcome low self-esteem and negative self-talk, it is important to learn to flip the switch when negative thoughts begin to overtake your mind. You must cut off the negative pattern before it escalates. When you begin to say, “It is not worth trying, I cannot make a difference” – switch gears by saying, “With God, anything is possible. He has given me a voice and a strong worth ethic to keep going.”
Negative self-talk is the steppingstone to a life filled with poor self-esteem. You must begin to speak life over yourself and about other people. Life is not meant to be a game of comparison but appreciating how God created us all so different and unique.
We all have different talents to offer. We all have different perspectives, which is how we evolve and grow as individuals and in our faith. Instead of saying, “I will never be pretty like her,” remember that she can be pretty and so can you! You were made by God and hand-crafted into the beautiful person that you are.
If you feel embarrassed by a birthmark – embrace it; it is a symbol of the life that God has blessed you with. It means you have breath in your lungs to stand up for what you believe in and follow your God-given dreams.
Begin practicing self-compassion.
One of the first steps to overcoming negative self-talk is practicing compassion – for yourself and other people. Be honest, be real, be vulnerable. Cry out to God when things are overwhelming.
Allow yourself to feel, but do not allow negative thoughts to continue to swirl around in your brain like a washing machine that is stuck on a spin cycle. We are all imperfect people – even the girls on magazine covers who appear flawless often mask the ailing parts of their self-image and shortcomings.
It is okay to feel.
An empath is someone who feels deeply and is extremely sensitive to the needs and feelings of other people. This is often seen as a weakness but is an overlooked character trait and can be honed to love more like Jesus.
Having a heart of compassion can be a key trait for ridding negative self-talk because you allow yourself to see through the lens of other people. You allow yourself to see others the way God does. He does not compare our bank accounts and physical traits; He looks at our hearts.
He looks at the way we treat people. He looks at the way we reach out to someone in their darkest hour. He looks at the way we choose to respond to negative comments on social media. Are we clinging to Him when our thoughts get the best of us? Are we reciting Scripture and breathing in the realization that we were made for much more than likes on social media?
You were created in God’s image.
Psalm 139:13–14, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
It does not matter if you wear brand name clothes or thrift store clothes.
It does not matter if you drive a brand-new car or a car that is on its last leg.
It does not matter if you live in a beautiful five-bedroom house or a small three-bedroom house.
It does not matter if you are married and have two kids by twenty-five, or if you are still dating and trying to find the person God handpicked for you.
It does not matter if you went to college or straight into the workforce.
It does not matter if you work out at an expensive gym or in the comfort of your living room.
It does not matter if you read your Bible at 5:00 AM or 10:00 PM.
You do not need to prove your worth to the world.
It matters how you treat people. It matters how you view yourself. It matters how you talk to and about other people. It matters if you compare yourself to someone else.
“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a ‘hot mess’ or having ‘too many issues’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.” – Anthon St. Maarten
Be confident and own your differences.
Re-direct your thoughts of comparing yourself to other people.
Re-direct your thoughts if you think that God cannot use you for a greater purpose.
If comparing yourself on social media is an issue, then limit your usage. Fill your heart and mind with things of God and with constant reminders that you are made in His image and can accomplish great things through Him.
- Write positive affirmations all around your home. Post them by your bed, on the bathroom mirror, and at the coffee machine. Say it aloud! Let your heart absorb it to the greatest extent.
- Begin journaling your prayers and affirmations that you are beautifully made and can accomplish your dreams. Look back at how God answers your prayers and helps you follow your dreams.
- Prioritize integrity. Refrain from gossip and guard your tongue against speaking negatively to and about other people. Refrain from speaking negatively to and about yourself.
- Fill your mind with God’s Word. It is important to fill your heart and mind with what God says about you rather than looking for other people to fill that void.
- Look underneath the surface. It is important to realize that beauty is about so much more than what you see in the mirror. Remember to get to know other people based on their heart and not their jean size. Remember to listen to the callings God has placed in your heart more than what your inner critic wants to find in the mirror.
- Try not to live comparing your life to others. Do not worry about what size jeans you wear compared to the beautiful slim girl you see at the grocery store. If you are always looking over your shoulder and comparing your life to someone else, it will be difficult to look at the opportunities to love others and chase your dreams as God places it right in front of you. Do not look over your shoulder, look up to God.
Develop an attitude of gratitude. If you struggle with self-esteem and comparing your life to others, begin taking small strides to develop an attitude of gratitude. Look for the little things in the day-to-day. Start a gratitude journal. Start building authentic relationships with others who can encourage you and hold you accountable. Find joy in jumping in a pile of leaves, painting a picture, or running different scenic trails.- Serve others. When we become too woe-is-me, serving others can be a great way to re-focus our perspective lens and focus more on the calling to live out our faith and love others. Serving others is a great reminder that life is about so much more than our physique or financial accomplishments.
- Do not stop dreaming! God is the author of hope. We should never give up on our dreams. God wants us to live each day to the fullest and not to miss an opportunity to love and serve others, to see ourselves in His image, and to continue chasing our dreams.
Develop an attitude of gratitude. If you struggle with self-esteem and comparing your life to others, begin taking small strides to develop an attitude of gratitude. Look for the little things in the day-to-day. Start a gratitude journal. Start building authentic relationships with others who can encourage you and hold you accountable. Find joy in jumping in a pile of leaves, painting a picture, or running different scenic trails.Maybe today you need to begin dreaming again. Make a dream board – fill it with places you would like to visit, names of people you are praying for and would like to invite to church, and with things you would like to do – like writing a song, start a Bible study, sing a solo in church, or send cards to the children who are stuck in the hospital at Christmas. Think beyond the every-day.
Bible Verses on Confidence and Self-Esteem
But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. – Jeremiah 17:7
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:9
. . . but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. – Isaiah 40:3
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10
Schedule a Christian counseling session today
If you are struggling with feelings of negative self-worth or living a life of comparison, it can make it difficult to find joy and live your life to the fullest. Schedule your counseling session today and breathe in the fresh air as we help you overcome low self-esteem, soar to new heights, and chase your dreams.
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The Safety of Home: Benefits of Online Marriage Counseling
Home is supposed to be your safe place – a place for mental, physical, and spiritual connection and rejuvenation. Home is not about the size of your bedrooms or if you have a walk-in closet, it is about the memories made and the choice to continue moving forward even when all odds seem stacked against you. Home is not about the style or price tag of your décor; it is more about creating a place where memories are made and etched in your heart and mind forever.
“Where we love is home – home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
Home should be a sacred space:
- A place to physically connect with your spouse
- A place to emotionally unload to your spouse
- A place for giggles and dancing around in the kitchen as you make waffles on Saturday morning
- A place for slow dancing with your spouse once the children are in bed
- A place to greet your spouse with a kiss when they walk in the door from a long, stressful day
- A place for bubble baths and candle-lit dinners
- A place for praying as a couple and as a family
- A place where you cheer on your children through the milestones of life
- A place where you celebrate your spouse as their dreams come to fruition
- A place for holiday traditions that your children will hold in their hearts forever
- A place where you and your spouse wait up together as your child returns from their first prom and can’t wait to tell you everything that happened
Families go through seasons of financial stress, marital stress, grief, and work burnout, which can take a physical and emotional toll on you and your marriage. Agapi Stassinopoulos said, “The world can only seem a safe place when we feel safe inside.”
It is important to work on your relationships at home to ensure that home is a safe place to express your emotions, talk about your struggles, and connect with God and your spouse on a deeper level. This is the foundation of thriving in all areas of your life.
How to Make Sure Your Home is Thriving, Not Surviving
Here are a few ideas to put into practice to ensure that your home is thriving rather than merely surviving:
Create an authentic home environment.
After a long, difficult day, couples need a safe space to run to. A place to unwind and just be. Home should be a place where you grow together. It should be a place where you can admit when you are feeling defeated, struggling with anxiety, or combating childhood trauma. Home needs to be a place where you can remove the masks and the facades and feel free to express your emotions on a deeper level.
Consider online marriage counseling as “upkeep” for your marriage rather than a last resort.
Just as you have regular doctor appointments and checkups, online marriage counseling could also be considered as upkeep for your marriage. Marriage counseling can be a routine appointment to ensure that communication is effective and flourishing and to have guidance as you work through major life decisions and changes.
Prayer and counseling are enormously powerful weapons to ensure that your marriage is receiving the proper nutrients to grow and thrive. It was once said that “Prayer is your first and most powerful weapon when fighting for your marriage.”
Take opportunities to invest in your marriage.
It was once said that “The more you invest in your marriage, the more valuable it becomes.” Just as we like to invest in our homes to see the value rise, we must also invest in our marriages. A marriage thrives when you spend quality time together, laugh, and are silly, continue to date, and take the mundane opportunities to show your spouse just how much you love and appreciate them.
- Never underestimate the power of a surprise love note in a lunchbox.
- Never underestimate the power of choosing to workout together or pray together after a long day.
- Never underestimate the power of a morning snuggle before the day gets away from you.
- Never underestimate the power of sitting together on the back deck as you sip your coffee and watch the sunrise.
- Never underestimate the power of saying “I love you” every chance you get.
- Never underestimate the power of choosing your marriage over the temptations of this world.
The more you invest in your spouse, the more your bond grows. When your bond is strong and communication is open, it will help you weather the storms of life together.
Communication is an overlooked power tool in your marriage
Communication is the key to solving the different struggles you will face in life and on your marriage journey. When things are difficult, when you feel distant, when you feel alone, and when you are struggling with forgiveness – communication is the first step to work through each of the struggles. Lysa TerKeurst said it so well, “God doesn’t want me to be a “fix him” wife. God wants me to be a “love him” wife.”
Regardless of what your marriage journey has been thus far, today may be the fresh start you need to accept and choose healing from the past. Today can be the start of a thriving marriage journey – one that says “I love you” constantly, one that forgives easily, one that offers grace when the other least expects it. The marriage relationship is a prime example of the kind of forgiveness Christ offers us daily.
Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. – Ephesians 4:32
Take the next steps to invest in your marriage
Today, I want to challenge you to take a few simple steps to invest in your marriage:
Pray for your spouse and with your spouse. Even when our marriage brings us to our knees, it is often the best place to be. Marriage can humble you and usher you into God’s presence, which will only strengthen your relationship with Christ and with your spouse.- Do something simple today to show your spouse just how much you love and appreciate them. Sneak a love note on the bathroom mirror or a cute note in their lunchbox. Send them a random text message when they least expect it about how much you love and appreciate them. Sometimes the simplest acts can have the greatest impact.
- Ensure that you are speaking life to and about your spouse. We must feed the right behaviors and thoughts rather than those that can sabotage our relationship. We mustn’t go to the wrong people for marriage advice, ones who may encourage us to talk negatively about or veer us away from our spouse. This will only bring pain and turmoil to your heart and relationship.
- Schedule your marriage tune-up today. Just as we schedule regular maintenance to keep our cars running, marriages need the same tender love and care. Online marriage counseling may be a good option to ensure that your relationship is thriving, healthy communication is flowing, and that you are weathering the storms of life together.
- Do everything out of love for your spouse. 1 Corinthians 16:14 says “Do everything in love.” If you are picking up your spouse’s dirty sock, rather than get frustrated, do it with love. If you are making your spouse dinner, do it with love. If you are folding their laundry or trying to open up about something that has been bothering you, do it with love. Doing even the simplest or most frustrating things in love can go a long way to see our relationships continue to flourish.
Pray for your spouse and with your spouse. Even when our marriage brings us to our knees, it is often the best place to be. Marriage can humble you and usher you into God’s presence, which will only strengthen your relationship with Christ and with your spouse.Just remember – you can work on your marriage wherever you are – home is when you grow and thrive together, and it is the best place to be.
Consider Online Marriage Counseling as Upkeep for Your Marriage
Online marriage counseling may be a good fit for your marriage and your schedule. Online marriage counseling offers convenience and comfort for all involved. Online marriage counseling can also be a great way to begin your counseling journey. It may be a great option for a regular marriage check-in or to provide the ease of being in the comfort of your safe space at home.
Photos:
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How to Find Hope in Hopeless Situations
There are many moments in life that can feel hopeless and lost, moments that threaten to steal all of one’s joy, lock it up, and throw away the key. Hopelessness arrives on the scene in many types of situations, but it is possible to find hope in those places.
One should be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise. This philosophy fitted on to my early adult life, when I saw the improbable, the implausible, often the “impossible,” come true. – F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Crack Up
Here is Merriam-Webster’s definition of hopeless:
1. Having no expectation of good or success. Not susceptible to remedy or cure. Incapable of redemption or improvement.
2. Giving no reason to expect good or success: giving no ground for hope. Incapable of solutions, management, or accomplishment.
Hopelessness is a dark place to be, a place where no light seems to fight through, a place where energy runs dry, and giving up feels like the only way. What situations bring on this feeling?
Situations That Often Lead to Hopelessness
Severe Illness
Though sickness and pain entered the world with the fall of man in Genesis 3, some have to face it in much more difficult ways. When someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness or an incurable autoimmune disease or a life-threatening condition, there are often these internal beliefs that form in his or her mind that say, “There is no hope. There is no way out of this. I am dying or destined to live miserably. I will never be the same or be able to live the life I hoped to live.”
Long-lasting Mental Illness
There is a reality in this life that God can heal in miraculous ways. He can bring someone out of a debilitating season of depression or anxiety. He can break the chains of childhood trauma and the effects it takes on the body and the mind. He can restore a person who has been struggling with addiction. He can, and he does it often.
However, the path he chooses for healing does not always look the way it seems it should. Some people suffer from depression for years, wondering why it won’t go away. Some people continue to relapse, wondering if they will ever get better.
The difference between severe physical illness and severe mental illness is where someone places the blame. Physical illness can seem hopeless because it is a reminder that death is an inevitable part of life. Mental illness brings this unnamed shame upon its victims.
They believe that it is their fault, or that they are “doing enough” to overcome it. Something in them believes that God can heal their bodies, but they try to take mental healing upon themselves.
Broken Relationships
Divorce, betrayal, abuse, neglect, and abandonment are all ways that relationships can be broken. There are many other ways they can be broken, but these five in particular can be devastating for people. Trust is lost. Hurt is coupled with love. People fear that all relationships are like this. They fear they cannot trust again or open their heart to another. They think all people are malicious or dishonest, and they pull away from relationships because this pain is too much to have repeated.
No Change
Hopelessness also enters in smaller ways. When a woman asks her spouse to spend more time with her, but he ends up in his cycle of neglecting their relationship again and again. This could come up when a friend asks her friend to invite her to social gatherings, but her friend continues to forget.
This could happen in the workplace, where someone’s pay is not changing, or the toxic environment remains. Another example is if a parent sees the same harmful behavior from their child despite any discipline or hard conversations.
These situations can lead a person to believe that change is not possible, and they begin to lower their expectations and settle for less-than-desirable outcomes. Is hope possible when it feels so out of reach? The answer of course is yes.
Merriam-Webster also defines hope: to expect with confidence.
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, ESV) Hard experiences are promised. Christians are not promised a pain-free life, but hope comes because Jesus has overcome it all. Jesus is hope. Here are some tangible ways to find hope in hopeless situations:
How to Find Hope in Hopeless Situations
Practice Daily Gratitude
One’s terminal illness may not go away, and her depression may not lift, but hope is not contingent upon the situation getting better. It is found only in the person of Jesus. It is possible to rebirth a hope that is lost with gratitude. Gratitude is a proven method of improving one’s life.
One can create a gratitude journal to keep up with things she is thankful for. Another idea is to simply add it to prayer time or journaling. Find one thing daily of which you are grateful. Write it down and speak it out loud.
Find the Light
Situations can look dark, but there is always light to be found. Consider what is good about your situation. If your divorce has brought you closer to Jesus, that is one good thing. If your illness has forced you to rest, that is a good thing. If the sun warms your face when you’ve been feeling low, that warmth is a good thing. Always be looking for the good.
Make Prayer and Scripture Reading a Priority
Since Jesus is our hope, then it is imperative to be intentional about spending time with Him in prayer and the word. Pray a psalm a day and see what kind of hope fills you. Memorize a scripture every week and write it somewhere you can see it often. Do a Bible study. Set aside three prayer times a day that can be short or long. Be honest with God about how you are feeling. Let Him fill your mind with truth.
Spend Time with Your People
Hopelessness loves isolation. Don’t allow yourself to become isolated in despair. It will only grow. Share with your close friends and loved ones about your struggle. Let them love you in those vulnerable moments.
Schedule a date night to have fun and laugh with your spouse. Plan a guy’s weekend to get away with your friends. Grab a coffee or go to dinner. Go on a hike or a bike ride with others. Just be with them. Let their hope be your anchor.
Do Something Kind for Another
There is not much that is more effective for gaining a new perspective than serving someone else. Who in your life needs something from you? A friend who is going through a hard time may appreciate you bringing her some coffee. A sibling lost his spouse and would love you to sit with him a while.
A coworker is going through a divorce and could use some encouragement. Look around you, not just within you. Looking around can shed light on one’s own experience and bring hope that things may not get better, but they can feel better.
Seek Therapy
When hope feels too far gone, check in with a counselor to process it all on a deeper level. A counselor could provide a perspective you had not considered yet. Hope is not out of reach. Jesus has overcome the world and its tribulations.
He is trustworthy, honest, kind, and faithful. He has not forgotten you, and he will not abandon you. Life feels unbearable at times, but look around. Find something to be grateful for, something that is good. Look for Jesus. He is there. Link arms with your people; they are there to support you. May hope find you once more.
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“Blue Door”, Courtesy of Jan Tinneberg, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Sunset behind golden grass”, Courtesy of Rose Erkul, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Windblown”, Courtesy of Jurica Koletic, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Sprouts”, Courtesy of Cathy VanHeest, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
5 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship
Human relationships are complicated things. We all know that none of us are perfect. We all have our hang-ups and personality quirks that affect how we relate to other people. Our imperfections may be visible from a distance, but they become even more evident and impactful when we enter an intimate relationship with someone else. It is one thing to deal with a difficult co-worker for a few hours during the workweek, for example – it’s quite another thing to have that same dynamic in your romantic life.
When we enter relationships, particularly romantic ones, it is wise to be aware of who we are as we enter them, as well as who we are entering them with. We each have unique life histories and relational tools that either strengthen or weaken our capacities for forming fruitful relationships with others. One of several complications that may beset a relationship is the presence of codependent behavior.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a relational dysfunction that distorts one’s sense of need for others, making someone ignore or subordinate their own needs to meet those of others. Being dependent on someone else for approval, for a sense of self-worth or identity, and consistently making substantial (and unreciprocated) sacrifices to satisfy the needs of a partner or loved one are all classic hallmarks of a codependent situation.
In a given relationship, there may be one partner that has codependent tendencies. It takes a degree of self-awareness to know whether you or your partner are codependent. When a couple is codependent, they become deeply invested in one another and struggle to function independently of each other.
In a codependent relationship, one partner may be more passive, while the other, more dominant personality in the relationship is controlling. Both, however, contribute to the situation. This is an unhealthy emotional dynamic that both parties may be completely unaware of.
What Causes Codependency?
Codependency often emerges out of circumstances rooted in a person’s home environment, even from when they were a child. Issues such as difficulty forming healthy attachment as a child, growing up with a chronically ill or mentally ill parent, or growing up with a parental figure with addiction issues are contributing factors to the development of codependency.
Having parental or other authority figures who place themselves first, and thus instill a sense of non-importance to the child and their needs can also contribute to codependent behavior developing in that child.
The learned behavior for the child here is that they come second, if at all. These situations often lead that child to subordinate their needs to meet those of others, and this mindset can persist into adulthood as they replicate those same relational patterns.
A person with a codependent personality has a poor sense of self and personal boundaries. They treat the needs of others as consistently more important than their own, which can lead to poor self-esteem and valuing the approval of others more than they value themselves. Because of their deeply vested interest in meeting the needs of others, codependent people can also be very controlling as they try to meet those needs.
5 Signs that You are in a Codependent Relationship
1. One partner constantly makes sacrifices
If you’re in a relationship, and one partner consistently makes sacrifices to meet the needs of the other partner without reciprocation, that’s a good sign that codependent behavior is at play.
In a healthy relationship, there is an interplay of give-and-take, and partners make sacrifices and compromises for one another. When those one-sided sacrifices form the pattern of the relationship, it signals an imbalance.
2. The mood is defined by one person
If the mood within the relationship is defined by one partner, that is probably a sign of a codependent situation. The atmosphere in a home or relationship ought to be created by the people in that space.
However, if one person’s mood dictates everyone else’s mood, and if the others sublimate their own feelings to that emotional turn, which may signal codependency. As people with emotional integrity and a sense of self, we ought to consider the feelings of others, but their feelings ought not to determine our own, and when the sense of personal boundaries is so weak that the feelings of others dictate how we feel, it points to codependency.
3. One partner needs constant approval
A codependent personality leaves a person vulnerable to the whims of others. A weakened sense of personal boundaries and the desire to please others and meet their needs means that a codependent personality craves the approval of the people with whom they are in relationship.
A codependent person struggles to say “no”. Getting the approval of others is something most people want to some degree. However, most emotionally healthy people do not tailor their lives to receive approval from others.
In a codependent relationship, one partner may have an obsessive need for approval from their partner. Predicating your life choices and decisions on whether they will receive approval may be another indicator of codependent behavior.
4. A degree of controlling behavior
A codependent person may simultaneously have low self-esteem and exhibit a degree of controlling behavior. While this seems contradictory at first, their controlling behavior may stem from their exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others, and the ensuing desire to be the caretaker.
This excessive caretaking, which they may understand as catering to the other person’s needs, comes across as controlling behavior. Controlling behavior is more apparent in codependent parent-child relationships but can also manifest itself between two adults in an intimate relationship.
5. Enabling behavior
This is when one partner eases any tensions that may arise in the relationship due to the problematic habits of the other partner. It can take the form of accepting excuses, coming to the rescue when the offending partner is in trouble, or being the one who fixes problems when they arise.
Whether it’s bailing someone out of jail every weekend, excusing drug and other substance abuse, physical abuse, or affairs, a codependent personality will participate in enabling and excusing unacceptable behavior. Such a situation opens people to being manipulated financially or emotionally, which is deeply problematic. A codependent relationship is one where there is low accountability for bad behavior.
So, You’re in a Codependent Relationship. What Can You Do?
If you find that you are in a codependent relationship, or that you have a codependent personality, what can you do?
One step to take might be to reach out and reconnect with family and friends you may have isolated yourself from. This is especially important in a situation where a couple have become so invested in themselves and become unable to function independently of one another.
This is usually followed by isolating themselves from other important relationships. To begin rectifying the damage caused by codependent behavior, re-establishing broken relationships is a good step.
Codependent behavior stems from poor emotional and mental health. There may be things in your past that have led to you developing a codependent personality, and these need to be addressed through psychotherapy. Therapy can help you take the necessary steps to either rebuild or build personal boundaries to establish a healthy sense of self.
Therapy may also point you to useful practices such as taking up things you previously loved and set aside due to your entanglement in the relationship. This can help you to reacquaint you with the things you love independently from your partner and give you room to nurture your own wants.
If you choose to stay in the relationship, couples therapy is helpful to pinpoint and reduce codependent behaviors that can undermine a relationship. Sometimes, the partners in a relationship are unaware of the dynamics at play in the relationship. The relationship is set to an unhealthy default, and unless those dynamics are exposed and disrupted, the patterns are likely to continue both in that relationship and in relationships with other people.
Codependency may be an unhealthy relational dynamic, but it is not an insurmountable one. With careful and deliberate consideration, the roots of codependent behavior can be unearthed and new ways of relating to yourself and others can be learned. It is possible to overcome codependent behavior and do relationships in healthy, life-giving ways.
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