7 Benefits of Working Out
A lot of things in life are good for us, but they require a bit of work for us to attain them. That hard work shouldn’t be a barrier to us attaining those things. It’s simply part of the process that makes accomplishing those goals that much sweeter a victory. One of the things that are good for us that we still struggle to do is working out.
For some, we just can’t get started – we don’t know how. For others, you may have started but hit a barrier of some kind – you got injured and just haven’t gotten your groove back, or you hit tough times and couldn’t renew your gym membership, or you moved and couldn’t find a new community to come alongside you, or it just got tough, and you couldn’t push through.
Whatever the reason, working out can be difficult. However, the benefits of working out still vastly outweigh choosing not to, so it’s important to remind ourselves what we gain if we choose to work out, and what we’re missing if we decide not to.
Below are a few benefits of working out. Hopefully, seeing them listed will motivate you to try one more time, to set that alarm for an early start, and keep going.
Emotional benefits of working out
Exercise lifts your mood. One of the main benefits of working out can be reaped in how it makes you feel better. When you exercise, your body releases several neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters are the chemicals through which messages are sent by your brain to other parts of your body.
Endorphins are one type of neurotransmitter released during exercise, and they aid in the relief of stress and pain. Other neurotransmitters that are released during exercise are serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. These ‘feel-good’ neurochemicals are like a natural high that helps to lift your mood.
Mental benefits of working out
A positive impact on conditions such as anxiety and depression. Due to the brain chemicals that are released during physical activity, exercise can assist in stimulating parts of your brain that aren’t responsive when you’re experiencing a condition like depression. By boosting levels of brain chemicals like serotonin, your appetite may be improved, along with your sleep cycle.
Exercise can thus help with the relief of some symptoms of depression. Additionally, anxiety adds stress to your body with elevated levels of adrenaline which can damage your health. Exercise helps to balance out the levels of stress hormones to reduce the impact of anxiety on your body and mind.
Physical benefits of working out
Reduces stress. Stress harms our bodies. Too much cortisol, the stress hormone, in your body can disrupt most of your body’s processes, leading to sleep problems, an increased risk of weight gain, and anxiety. Exercise helps to reduce the amount of cortisol your body is producing and increase the production of neurotransmitters that elevate your mood.
Makes you feel good, energetic. As we pointed out earlier, exercise leads to the release of ‘feel-good’ neurochemicals that elevate your mood. This ‘runner’s high’ also helps to make you feel energized.
Keeps you fit. One of the more obvious benefits of working out is that it can keep you physically fit and able to use your body in ways that improve your sense of well-being and ability to participate in life. If you’re older, working out enables you to do things like play with your kids or grandkids.
At a certain point, doing ‘simple’ things like bending over or crouching down start to feel like Olympian feats. Exercise can help to reduce cramping and joint pain, and it helps to keep you flexible, strengthening your muscles and making physical activity a little easier.
Helps your overall health. Exercise helps many of your overall health outcomes. It can reduce the risks of developing issues later in life such as heart disease. Physical activity strengthens your heart muscle, and it can help you to keep your weight under control.
It can help reduce high blood sugar and high blood pressure which can result in conditions such as a stroke or heart attack, and it can keep artery damage from high cholesterol at bay. Doing resistance training, such as lifting weights or using resistance bands in combination with aerobic exercise can help to lower bad cholesterol and raise good cholesterol.
Social benefits of working out
In addition to the mental, emotional, and physical benefits of exercise, there are social benefits too. Humans are social animals. We were made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), and that means we thrive best in relationships with others because God is relational. If we feel healthier, are in a good mood, and can participate more in activities with others, that can afford us more opportunities to connect with other people.
Also, being in shape can help boost your social confidence, which can allow you to be more outgoing and willing to socialize with other people. If you choose to work out using a team sport such as playing tennis, touch football, or frisbee, that allows you to socialize and create relationships with others. Other forms of exercise such as walking, cycling, running, or jumping rope can also be great ways to meet and connect with people.
Getting started
There are many benefits to working out, some of which we may not have mentioned here. If it’s been a while since you worked out seriously, one of the first things to do is see and talk with your doctor about what you can do. Not all forms of exercise will work for you because of past injuries or other limitations.
While aerobic exercise of about thirty minutes each day for five days a week will work well for most people to improve their circulation, reduce the risk of type 2 diabetes, and improve overall heart health, it may not be for everyone.
Or in your specific case, some forms of exercise such as swimming may work better than running because of the pressure running exerts on your joints. Whatever the situation, talking with your doctor will give you a clearer picture of what exercises will be best suited to you.
For those with limitations from their doctors, and for those without, it’s important to find what you love within the options available to you. One of the main challenges to working out is that it can be hard. If you don’t like the sort of exercise you’ve decided upon, you may be making it unnecessarily hard on yourself.
Exercise can be hard, but it can also be fun. Find what works for you, not what’s popular or what you feel compelled to do because it’s what you know. Feel free to explore and try new things. When you do, get started. You only get the benefits of working out if you’re doing it.
Even a minor change will go a long way. You can start small and work your way toward your goals. So instead of working out five days a week for the full thirty minutes, you can start with a couple of days and work your way up. The important thing is to get going and to keep going.
Lastly, you can start working out on your own, of course, but it’s important to find a community that shares your same love and to help keep you accountable. If you find other people that love the type of workout you’re into, that helps to keep you motivated.
The remarkable thing about living in our time is that we are so well connected to other people through apps and online forums. Whatever you’re into, from spelunking to brisk walking, other people in the world are just as much into it who are willing to share stories, tips, and encouragement.
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God’s Forgiveness: Transforming Our Lives
There are very few sure things in this world. Much that offers us promise disappoints when we need it most, leaving us high and dry. We are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world, and that produces a lot of heartache. We are responsible for some of that heartache if we are honest with ourselves.
We are aware that none of us is perfect. When that reality hits us, and we are confronted by it, we have the choice to pick up where we left off and try to do better, or we can give up on making the world and our lives a little bit better.
As we ponder our imperfections and shortcomings, it is important to keep our eyes and hearts on God’s forgiveness. While making us aware that we have not arrived, that we are not the people we are meant to be, God’s forgiveness empowers us rather than leaving us feeling paralyzed. It matters to know what God’s forgiveness means to us and how that can transform our lives.
God’s open arms
One of the most powerful stories Jesus told is the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15. This son, who demanded his inheritance from his father and then squandered it, brought shame upon himself and his family. Having become poor to the point of eating pig feed, he nonetheless plucked up courage and decided to go home, planning to beg for forgiveness and work for his father as a servant.
As a mostly westernized audience, we here in the United States often miss what’s going on here. The son had well and truly cut himself off from his family, showing arrogant disregard for his father, and there was no way his father could accept him back – it would be too shameful within that community.
The best he could hope for was to become a servant. The father, however, ran to him with open arms (casting aside any sense of decorum in doing so), and welcomed his son home, ordering servants to dress him appropriately as a son and to begin a feast in his honor.
The father in this story represents God, and Jesus told the story to let us know how abundant God’s forgiveness and grace are. The son is welcomed home, despite everything he had done. God comes to us with open arms, willing to forgive us and embrace us, to set a feast to welcome home a child who was lost and thought dead, but who now has been found.
Nothing unforgivable before God
The context of the story of the lost son is that people were grumbling against Jesus for eating with tax collectors and sinners. These were people that were considered disreputable and the lowest of the low. Why was Jesus, the holy teacher, eating with them? Jesus was showing them how God welcomes all people, and that there is nothing unforgivable before God.
Human beings may struggle to forgive certain things, but God is willing and able to forgive all things. In Psalm 51, David asks the Lord to forgive him for having committed adultery and then killing the woman’s (Bathsheba’s) husband to cover up his sin. This grievous sin is forgiven. We encounter people caught in adultery (John 8), thieving tax collectors (Luke 19), and many other people whom God forgives.
In Jesus, God can forgive us without being unjust. On the cross, Jesus took the sin of His people upon himself, dying to pay the penalty of our sins. If we trust in Jesus, all our sins are placed upon him and dealt with, and he gives us his righteousness. Nothing is unforgivable because Jesus took every sin upon himself. All God asks us to do is to trust that what Jesus did for us and on our behalf is enough.
No one is beyond God’s forgiveness
Just as there is nothing unforgivable, there is no one who is beyond God’s forgiveness. We often create any number of barriers in our relationships with others. We accept some people and reject others. This may be because they belong to the “wrong” race, gender, ethnicity, socio-economic bracket, etc. We reject them and build roadblocks and walls between ourselves and them.
God, on the other hand, is about building bridges and breaking down walls. “For he (Jesus) himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility…His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility” (Ephesians 2:14-16).
No one is kept out of God’s new humanity – the divisions that kept us apart, the “dividing wall of hostility” has been demolished. All are welcome in God’s kingdom; all can be forgiven. Another famous verse says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). If you are part of ‘the world’ then this Scripture is also for you.
Even as God’s people, we don’t automatically stop sinning. God’s forgiveness remains open to us. The generosity shown us at the first continues to be available to us. He simply calls on us to own our mistakes and ask to be forgiven. 1 John 1:8-9 says “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
When God forgives us, He cleanses us from our sin. He does not hold it against us, and we do not have to wallow in our past mistakes. “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:11-12).
Once forgiven, our transgressions are removed from us; they don’t stick to us, and we don’t “run out” of God’s grace. Instead of remaining immobilized in our past mistakes, we are challenged to, “Go now and leave your life of sin.” (John 8:11)
God’s forgiveness leads us to be forgiving
One thing that becomes clear as we read the Bible is that the people who encounter Jesus do not leave as they came. They are transformed, they have a new life, and those new lives are oriented toward loving God and others. When God forgives us, and we encounter his grace, it changes us, too. In some people, the change is profound and immediate. In others, it may be slow and imperceptible at first, but their lives do change.
In Jesus’ teachings about prayer and one of His parables, we see that if we are truly forgiven and have known God’s forgiveness, it changes us and makes us more forgiving of others.
In teaching his disciples to pray in Matthew 6, Jesus said, “Our Father in heaven…Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” and he goes on to say “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Reflecting on these verses, one author wrote, “We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God’s mercy for ourselves.”
In the parable of the unmerciful servant, Jesus told a story about a servant who incurred a huge debt from his master but could not pay it back. The master took pity on that servant, forgave the debt, and let him go. “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a small sum. He grabbed him and began to choke him. “Pay back what you owe me!” he demanded.” (Matthew 18:28).
He refused to hear the plea of his fellow servant, throwing him in prison until he could pay his debt. The master heard of it, and the servant who had been forgiven was taken into custody and held till he pays what he owes. “You wicked servant,” said the master, “I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?”
God’s forgiveness and mercy toward us change us and challenge us to extend that same forgiveness to others. God’s forgiveness becomes a model for us in how we relate to other people – “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32).
Conclusion
God’s arms are open to us, and he is willing to forgive us no matter what we’ve done. No one is excluded from God’s forgiveness, and that forgiveness is transformative. By his Spirit, it changes us, drawing us into a relationship with God and making our hearts more like God’s own.
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8 Truths About Anger Problems
The following words from the Bible show how important it is for us to get mastery over our anger problems:
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. – Proverbs 16:32
Someone who is not easily provoked to anger is even better than ‘the mighty’; with their visible display of self-control in this matter likened to a victorious battle.
8 Truths about Anger Problems
Indeed, anger is not an easy issue to deal with, especially as a Christian, but here are eight truths about anger problems to reflect on, if you are struggling with this emotion:
1. Anger is not a problem in and of itself.
Anger is not necessarily a negative emotion; it can signal injustice. Indeed, God, Himself shows anger in the face of things that are wrong in the world. This is called “righteous anger,” and we too should become angry when we see things happening that go against the perfect order which God has created.
Abuse, child neglect, poverty, adultery, and other violations of God’s laws should anger us; and so should relational insensitivities. It can be right to be angry when we have been betrayed in a friendship or when someone has overstepped our boundaries.
2. Anger problems are complex.
Anger problems are, however, complex, and anger is often just a secondary emotion that conceals a deeper emotion. In the example above, being angry at a friend who has betrayed you probably conceals hurt. These softer feelings can make a person feel vulnerable and so anger becomes an easier (though less helpful) channel for expression.
While anger is normal from time to time, when it gets out of control or becomes habitual it can cause much damage to those exposed to it. Anger is complex, and no two individuals express it in quite the same way; it differs according to temperament, circumstances, and what has been experienced in one’s family of upbringing.
However, there are five options to dealing with anger when it bubbles to the surface: The first is suppression, where people feel too bad or guilty to feel their anger. The second is aggressive anger, which is expressed in abrasive, hostile outbursts.
The third is passive aggression, which is usually caused by a need to control others without being held accountable (silent treatment, being deliberatively evasive, etc.). The fourth is assertiveness and honest communication (a healthy choice). The fifth is letting it go (also a positive route, provided the angered person has been able to forgive completely).
3. It’s how it’s expressed that counts.
In Ephesians 4:26, Paul says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” This teaches us that while we may get angry, the problem lies in how we act when triggered; we may be angry, but we are to express this in a way that does not involve sinning.
We will likely find that these two elements can be difficult to separate, which is why anger problems are a cause for concern. Addressing the issue with the fourth choice above, “assertiveness,” is ideal, and would include being able to separate oneself from feeling heated and out of control and being able to express one’s emotions of anger openly and clearly, to bring about reconciliation.
If the person who has caused the anger in the first place does not respond in the desired manner this will require further self-control. The verse also commands us to deal with our anger problems before the day is done so that resentment does not set in. Not reconciling our anger, either with the person who has provoked it or just within ourselves, will give the devil a foothold, causing further division and strife.
4.“My will be done” is at the heart of anger problems.
While “righteous” anger is the kind of holy anger which God expresses, all too often our anger is caused by perceived “wrongdoing” that is not really wrong at all but is simply our perception that we have been wronged. It is also often about things that don’t matter to anyone except us; for example, when the server gets our order wrong at a restaurant.
Our anger arises in these situations because of the “desire of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16). We want and believe we have a right to something going our way, and when an obstacle gets in the way of what we feel we deserve, we get angry.
Underneath most of our anger is something we wanted but didn’t get, whether it be the right meal in a restaurant, respect, power, money, pleasure, and the list goes on as long as our flesh desires. This also hints at idolatry, in that we want this thing (even if it is a good thing, such as a happy marriage) more than God.
In James 4:12, it says: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.” Our anger problems essentially show that our hearts long for “our will to be done” rather than God’s purposes in His sovereignty.
5. God is the judge.
It is helpful when dealing with anger problems to remember that God is the ultimate judge, and when Christ returns, every person will be held to account for their actions. When someone has sinned against us and we have gotten angry, it can be difficult to move past that anger even when we have dealt with it assertively or tried to let it go. This is especially true when the offender is unrepentant. Knowing that God will bring every act into judgment frees us up to move forwards towards forgiveness.
6. God is merciful.
Anger makes us want to be merciless. It makes us want to punish and get rid of all offenders. But our anger problems will only start to take on a new shape when we acknowledge how much mercy God has shown to us, who hung Him on the cross.
Once we fully realize that, we’ll genuinely want to confess our struggle to God and receive His mercy – mercy which we’ll be able to show to those who have angered us. This is sincere heart change, and miraculous in every way.
7. God requires forgiveness.
We cannot hold on to our anger. Not only will it lead to bitterness which will hurt us in the end, but it is disobedient in that God calls us to forgive others, just as in Christ He has forgiven us. When we struggle with anger problems, forgiveness can seem like an insurmountable task. But as nothing is impossible with God, if we go to Him with humble hearts and ask for the Holy Spirit to help us forgive, He will give us what we need to forgive wholeheartedly.
8. Anger problems also need practical solutions.
While heart change is what is needed for anger problems to be rooted out, popular psychology has many helpful ways to manage anger, which is essentially a way of preventing or minimizing a sinful reaction. A time-out, for example, is a useful way to create separation between whatever created the angry feelings and your response.
It provides the opportunity to take a breath and think through the situation to gain some clarity. Exercise is also an excellent anger buster. Even a small amount of exercise can prevent angry feelings. Deep breathing can also be an important way to deal with anger because it helps our brains to function more correctly.
God has made us spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental beings and so it is no surprise that a physical intervention can have an impact on our psyche. We need to do whatever it takes to make sure that anger problems do not consume our lives, and this may include seeking biblical counseling if we feel that support will be of value in this critical journey.
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Building Emotional Intelligence in Your Children
According to the dictionary, emotional intelligence is “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.” Many adults do not have a healthy level of emotional intelligence because they have never been taught. It may come more naturally to some than others, but what seems to be overwhelmingly true is that it is a skill that needs to be taught and developed over time.
In this article, helping build emotional intelligence in children is being discussed, but to do that, parents must be willing to grow in this skill, as well. Emotional intelligence can even matter more than one’s IQ, according to Daniel Goleman. One can be as smart as they come, but unless one can understand, manage, and express emotions effectively and know how to interact with others in healthy ways, that intelligence is nearly meaningless.
Parents often push their children to succeed academically, athletically, creatively, or even spiritually, but neglect to help them succeed emotionally, which could be the most important skill of all. If they don’t build emotional intelligence as children, they could have a long history of poor, toxic relationships, jumping from job to job because they are unable to handle themselves appropriately in the workplace, or battle depression and anxiety, and other mental illness.
How parents can help build emotional intelligence in their children
Model it for them
This is the most effective way to teach them – show them. If a parent struggles to understand and effectively manage his or her emotions, then he or she needs to work on this for themselves first, and then model it for their children. This is not something one can grow on his own. Seek the help of trusted friends and a counselor to help grow in emotional awareness and management, and then pass on what you know to your children.
If you are angry, show your kids how you calm down by doing it in front of them. If you are sad, show your kids how you express sadness by crying in front of them sometimes. Don’t do this to get comfort from them because it is not their job to help you feel better. However, showing them what you do when you feel a certain way can help them know what to do when they feel that way, too.
Practice empathy statements
Empathy is the ability to show that you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes, feel what they feel, or express that you want to understand how they are feeling. Your children feel emotions just like you do, and their emotions are just as valid. Parents sometimes will say, “You have a great life! What do you have to be depressed about?” or “You have no idea what it’s like to be stressed.”
These are not empathy statements and they can lead a child to believe that his or her emotions do not matter. Though children may not feel stress about the same types of things that you do, they do feel it. They feel anger, sadness, and fear and hurt.
They don’t always know what it means, but a way to begin the conversation is to sit with them, make eye contact, and say something like, “It seems to me that you may be feeling ______ (name of emotion) by what you are saying right now. Is that right?” This statement invites them to share more vulnerably with their parents and safely express their emotions.
Teach them proper ways to express their emotions
When you notice your child acting out in anger or expressing themselves inappropriately (yelling, throwing things or being physically aggressive, name-calling, withdrawing, etc.), help them calm down first by practicing relaxation skills with them – taking deep breaths, walking away from the situation to calm down for a moment, or by simply hugging them as they calm down.
Then talk about what they can do with their frustration or fear or sadness. They can talk about it with you or a safe person, use an “I” statement to be assertive with the person they are upset with, use art to express it safely, yell into a pillow, cry, etc.
Help them label their emotions
You can do this with an empathy statement or by simply teaching them the names of emotions. Feeling wheels (which you can find easily online) are a great place to start. You can also find some feeling faces online to show them to help them name each one.
Another terrific way to help them learn the names of various emotions (the feeling words – anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, happiness) is to ask them in books or movies how a character appears to feel based on their body language and facial expression. This teaches them not only to accurately recognize their own emotions but also to recognize the emotions of others.
Welcome their emotions
Never treat children like their emotions are too much or not valid or unwelcome. Instead of learning to manage them effectively, these behaviors will only lead them to push them aside, stop thinking they matter, suppress them, and avoid them. Parents will often say, “You are OK” or “No don’t feel like that” to help a child feel better, but it is an example of downplaying their feelings.
They will also stop feeling like you are emotionally safe. When people suppress and avoid their emotions, they eventually erupt to the surface in unhealthy ways. No problems are ever solved by neglecting emotions, and by dismissing your child’s emotions, you teach them that they should dismiss them, too.
Allow their emotions to be present, but don’t allow them to express them in inappropriate ways. A straightforward way to do this could be to say (for example), “I understand that you are mad at your sister for taking your toy. It’s OK to be upset with her, but it is not OK to hit her when you are mad. Can you tell her why you are mad at her?” An example of downplaying this anger would be, “Stop it now! Stop hitting! I don’t care how you feel! You are acting terrible right now!”
Help them learn how to manage interpersonal conflict
When you see (or hear about) your kids and their siblings or their peers getting into arguments or there are hurt feelings, spend some time first listening to your child share the story and how it makes him feel. Then work together to problem-solve an effective way to handle the conflict.
For example, your child comes home and tells you a kid is being mean to her at school. You can begin by asking her to tell you exactly what is going on, how she feels about it, and how she has tried to handle it on her own already.
Then brainstorm more ideas together about what else could work in that scenario, like being assertive with the mean kid, talking to a safe adult at school about the situation, staying away from that kid, etc. A side note – if parents do not manage their own interpersonal conflict well, kids won’t either.
Do kind things for others with your children
This builds empathy in children, which is not a natural skill (especially for young children and teenagers). These ages are traditionally more egocentric and self-centered, so empathy is not easy for them. One way to help is to do kind things for others with and in front of your kids. Bake cookies for the sick neighbor or donate old clothes to people in need. Have your kids purge their old toys to give away or volunteer time at church. Show them how to serve others, how to consider others’ needs. This will take them far in life and helps gets their eyes off themselves for a time.
Establish consequences
When kids do not handle their emotions appropriately after you have been working to teach them, then allow consequences to come into play. For example, if your child still yells at his sister when he is mad, his consequence could be that he loses his TV privilege for the day.
Only offer consequences for misuse of anger or hurt feelings, but if a child is sad or scared, allow them to experience the natural consequences of mishandling those emotions. For example, if your child is scared to try out for a team, their consequence is that they must miss out on the wonderful experience of being a part of the team.
The goal is not perfection. Just like you do not handle emotions well all the time, your kids won’t either. Show them grace and patience as they learn, but always be there for them. Be consistent and kind. They will catch on in time.
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8 Biblical Counseling Solutions for Emotional Eating
Tea and sympathy? Perhaps a few cookies to go with? The Bible is clear that God gave us food to nourish us both physically and emotionally – the two are linked and food is not just given for strength alone but also to give us pleasure: “…moreover, that every man who eats and drinks sees good in all his labor – it is the gift of God” (Ecclesiastes 5:18-20). But what about emotional eating?
The problem with food giving us pleasure or filling an emotional need rather than just purely a physical one is that, like any other idol, we can look to it to give us something that we should be seeking from God instead. Our emotional eating habits can appear to be under our control, but unfortunately, when idolatry is at play, we end up being enslaved by the very things we are trying to manipulate for our benefit.
Emotional eating falls into this category and ranges widely in severity and motivation. What is common to all emotional eaters is the fact that it has a stronghold over their relationship with food and impacts on their day-to-day life. More than that, it is a symptom of a heart problem that needs to be addressed in order to grow in their Christian’s walk.
Issues Addressed in Counseling for Emotional Eating
If you are struggling with uncontrolled emotional eating, a trained, certified Biblical counselor can provide valuable input in guiding you through the process. These are some of the issues they will typically look to address and work on:
1. Move from a victim to an “I’m responsible” mindset
Even if your emotional eating has moved into the realm of a recognized disorder, such as anorexia or bulimia, it’s important to move from a victim mentality to a mindset that understands that the way you eat is something you can control.
Saying “I have anorexia” in the same way one would label a medical condition (for example, “I have diabetes”) is less accurate than saying “I practice anorexic behaviors.” The Bible indicates that our eating practices are a matter of choice and habit, sin, and righteousness: “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust” (James 1:14)
While it may be hard to grasp the fact that this is something which is under our control, this truth actually brings hope. If it is within our realm of control, by God’s grace it is something we can change.
2. See that this behavior is sin in God’s eyes
Again, it may be difficult to acknowledge that eating to fulfill an emotional need is sinful in God’s eyes. It can be easy to dismiss the sin, especially if it is seemingly harmless. “So what if I ate a slab of chocolate after a hard day? It’s not hurting anyone.”
If we take our relationship with God seriously, however, and want to be released from the tyranny of emotional eating, it’s important to see that our actions are directly related to our fallen human nature.
As we ask ourselves again and again why we chose to binge, even when we know the disappointment and discouragement which follows, we need to come back to our starting point in the garden of Eden. We must recognize that humanity decided to turn to things other than God to fill the void inside.
Turning to God in repentance and confessing our sins enables us to receive the grace of full forgiveness available through Christ, no matter how harmful our eating practices have been.
3. Understand Christ’s Lordship over your body
An eating disorder that is characterized by eating to suppress, soothe, or emotionally gratify oneself in some way is enslavement – we become dominated by thoughts and actions that torment and overpower. Idolatry can only ever be rooted out by replacing the worship of the created thing for the Creator.
A Biblical counselor will work with a Christian who is struggling with an eating disorder to exchange the lordship of food for the lordship of Christ, as we should serve one Master, not two. As 1 Corinthians 6:12 states, “All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.”
The grounds for us submitting our bodies and how we treat them to God lies in the fact that He created our physical bodies and gave them to us, and so we need to be good stewards over this responsibility. Furthermore, He has redeemed us through Christ’s death on the cross and joined us to Him, and we are to honor Him in our bodies (“Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ?” – 1 Corinthians 6:15a).
4. Eat for God’s glory
“Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31). One of the main problems with habitual overeating is that is self-focused, rather than being focused on God’s glory and being more like Christ.
When we run to food instead of God, we are showing that we do not love or trust Him as fully as we should; and that we believe that we have a quicker or better solution to the unrest in our soul. As we grow in spiritual maturity, we trust God more, and that affects our motivations and desires.
We will be able to see that simply changing our habits may not be glorifying to God; if we go on a fad diet and no longer turn to food for emotional comfort, we just may be turning our preoccupation into an equally self-focused preoccupation with appearance. Truly eating for God’s glory will enable us to have freedom and self-control, and a healthy relationship with food.
5. Understand the lies you’ve believed
What are the lies you’ve believed that lead to an eating disorder such as uncontrolled emotional eating? Is it that we believe that consuming an excessive amount of food will make us happy and bring us the satisfaction we’re looking for?
Perhaps initially, but most emotional eaters will testify to this lie being short-lived and quickly revealed for its deception. What is the lie behind the lie? A Biblical counselor will be able to help to expose these – which might be anything from not understanding God as our source of comfort to a belief that throwing away all restraint in the face of a small failure is an acceptable response.
6. Expose and correct motives
Linked to understanding the lies we believe that are linked to emotional eating comes an honest review of our motives. If you are struggling with an eating disorder, a counselor will help to uncover what you are trying to obtain through these destructive habits.
Are they being used as a weapon to punish oneself or others (“I deserve to be overweight and a failure in my attempts to exhibit self-control”)? Are they an act of worship – bowing down to the idol of pleasure, comfort, attention, or approval? Is it about greed – worshipping the pleasurable sensations of eating and trying to recreate this experience through repeated consumption?
We are complex beings, and our motives can be varied. The important part is understanding and acknowledging what is going on at the heart level so that we can move away from sinful attitudes towards growth and contentment in Christ.
7. Learn to eat with thankfulness
Food is a gift from God given for nourishment and pleasure and therefore the correct posture for how we receive this gift is in thankfulness. It’s difficult to truly eat with thankfulness when we are devouring food without even tasting it to stuff an emotional hole.
It’s also hard to be thankful when we are feeling guilty about our eating habits, and so Biblical counseling will work through these attitudes with a counselee to move them to the point of replacing attitudes and in turn transforming actions.
8. Learn biblical self-control
Self-control is listed in the Bible as one of the fruits of the Spirit – a sign that Christ is in us. As we grow in Christ, we can ask Him to help us to have the discipline to choose to die to the cravings of our flesh and to live in Him, even though letting our desires lead our decisions may feel good at the time.
Christians have access to incredible power through the Holy Spirit; a power that can deliver true freedom from emotional eating and towards being able to honor healthy boundaries. This is an amazing witness to unbelievers who may be struggling with similar issues, and an encouragement to us in Christ to keep persevering through our battles.
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What to Do When You’re in a Toxic Marriage
In Christian circles, toxic marriage is not often discussed. They are taught how to have healthy relationships (to an extent) based on what the Bible tells them to do. “Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church.” “Wives submit to your husbands as the church submits to Christ.” They are told that infidelity is wrong, and that divorce is a sin.
What they are not taught is what to do when a marriage becomes toxic – like poison – slowly destroying one or both people until nothing is left. Christian culture has begun talking about what it looks like to deal with other types of toxic relationships.
However, when Christian couples are in toxic marriages, they frequently get advice from pastors or leaders within the church telling them to keep their struggles quiet, keep leading in the church despite their marriage problems, and that divorce is never an option for them.
Wives leave feeling like they should always submit even if their husbands are abusive, manipulative, and controlling. Husbands leave feeling like they should love their wives even after their wives have cheated on them. Nothing gets resolved. People remain stuck in lifeless, life-draining marriages with no real help.
All marriages go through hard moments and seasons, and no marriage is perfect. When a marriage becomes toxic, it is important to take it seriously and know the best next steps. Here are some of the signs of a toxic marriage:
Signs of a Toxic Marriage
Secrets/ Deceit
From one or both partners, keeping secrets or repeatedly deceiving one another is a sign that the marriage has gotten very unhealthy. Trust is foundational to a long-lasting, life-giving marriage. The Relational Attachment Model says that good relationships are founded on intimate knowledge, the ability to rely on each other, full trust, commitment, and touch. If partners can’t trust one another, then what is the point of being in a committed marriage?
Withdrawal
Sometimes couples can find themselves like two ships passing in the night. Their lives become so busy with kids and work and extracurricular activities that they realize they barely speak to or spend time with one another. Withdrawal is different. It is more intentional. People withdraw when they are hurt or struggling with something.
When one or both partners intentionally withdraw from each other, not talking or spending time together or even discussing the problems in their relationship, their marriage is on the brink of divorce, according to John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Manipulation/ Controlling Behavior
Though many assume this behavior comes from a narcissistic husband, wives can be this way, too. This type of behavior can get so bad that it becomes emotionally abusive. Some examples of manipulative or controlling behavior include:
- Gaslighting
- Lying to get what they want
- Threats
- Giving unnecessary ultimatums
- Not allowing one’s partner to go anywhere or do anything
- Being the “boss” in the family
- It’s your way or the highway
- Placing unrealistic and unhealthy expectations on the partner
- Controlling the family schedule
Kids are the center
In modern culture, kids are too often the center of the family. Life revolves around them completely – around their schedules and activities. Unfortunately, marriages fall apart when this is the case. A couple that does not prioritize their marriage will find themselves lost when their kids leave the house.
They no longer know one another because they have not been on a date in eighteen years. They do not like being around each other alone because they have forgotten how. Likewise, the couple should not be the center of the relationship either, because they begin to worship one another. God should be the center, nothing else.
Addiction
Sexual addiction (e.g. – excessive use of pornography) can be a huge downfall in a marriage. Substance abuse can also be detrimental. When addiction comes into play, people are unable to think clearly and make wise decisions. People can even become abusive.
Abuse
Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse is unacceptable behavior in a marriage. Pushing, hitting, kicking, or any physical aggression is dangerous and should never be present in a relationship. Partners can also force sex or sexual activities on the unwilling partner.
Emotional abuse can look like the manipulative, controlling behaviors mentioned earlier. Other things could be constant name-calling and degrading language. Abuse can quickly destroy a marriage, and it is never OK. Partners need to feel safe with each other.
Infidelity
This probably seems self-explanatory, but if infidelity is present, a marriage is well past the unhealthy stage. Again, commitment and trust are foundational to a healthy, thriving marriage. Infidelity ruins this. Repeated infidelity can do even worse damage.
Increased selfishness
When one or both partners mainly think of self and self only, marriages can become unhealthy. Marriage is meant to help people learn what it means to love and serve one another, help to meet some of their needs, and let go of selfishness as much as possible. It is good for one person to consider his or her own needs and take care of himself, but when the self becomes the center, this is not good.
What to Do When Your Marriage Becomes Toxic
Seek godly counsel
If you are a member of a Bible-believing church, godly counsel can come in the form of your pastor. If a pastor is not a viable option for you, seek professional counseling from a Christian counselor who can be unbiased and help you see what is going on. Do not wait. Seek counseling now.
Have intentional conversations
Sit down and give one another undivided attention. Allow each person to have the floor while speaking and work hard to avoid interruptions. Discuss the main toxic behaviors that you see in the marriage. Give examples of each thing.
Talk about what needs to happen for the marriage to continue. Some examples of what this could look like include: telling your partner to get professional treatment if they are battling an addiction or telling a person that the secrets cannot continue.
Stop enabling
Many times, when one person exhibits toxic behaviors in a marriage, the partner is also enabling and acting codependent. The partner does not speak up for himself and stays even through abuse. Because the partner “needs” the other so much, he downplays the toxic behaviors and even may hide those behaviors from others to protect the person.
Speaking about these issues openly and honestly with a trusted person or counselor can be the first important step toward healing. Establish some boundaries and be willing to maintain them.
Prioritize one another
Though God needs to be the center always, the marriage needs to come in a close second. Prioritize spending time with God and staying as active as possible in church. Stay in a good community. Many marriages that crumble are not involved in a good Christian community.
Prioritize each other. Go on dates and take trips just the two of you. Spend time everyday reconnecting with undivided attention. Take the time to know one another and keep knowing one another. Your marriage will last long after your kids leave home if you make each other a priority.
Walk away if it is dangerous
If there is any kind of abuse, repeated infidelity, or serious addiction issues, it may be time to walk away. Though divorce breaks the heart of God, it seems highly unlikely that God would want a person to stay in an unsafe situation.
If the person struggling with addiction or abusive behavior is unwilling to get professional help or do anything to change, the situation is no longer safe. However, many people will say that they will change, even promise that, but they keep doing the same things over and over again. In these cases, it may be best to walk away.
No one needs to endure a toxic marriage. Get professional help and if both parties are willing to work toward change, a toxic marriage can become a healthier one overtime. If both parties are not willing to work toward change, it may be time to step away. Toxic marriages can be incredibly painful if nothing is done about them.
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