Causes of Emotional Distance in Families

Having a close-knit family means being connected to people who provide unconditional love and support through life’s ups and downs. Family are the people we spend the most time with, who have seen us at our best and worst. That doesn’t mean we never have conflict with or emotional distance from them, but healthy families work at resolving conflict when it happens.

All families go through seasons of closeness and distance. For example, when teens grow into young adults and leave home for the first time, the family dynamic is forever altered. Spouses might struggle being alone together for the first time in decades and many become depressed living in a home that feels empty.

Other families have never been close, as unnatural as that may sound. It goes beyond messy marriages and squabbling siblings. Some people have never felt cared for by their parents or loved by their children. Where some families look like healthy trees bearing fruit, others, by contrast, feel shriveled or withered, never bearing any fruit. What causes emotional distance in families and how can they learn to connect?

Past and present

It is often only when we are adults looking back on our childhood that we realize how different or damaging our family was. People have said how everything felt normal on the surface growing up, but with age comes perspective.

They began to see how distant or abusive their parents were, or how badly their siblings struggled. Emotionally distant families often feel normal because parents often work hard to cover up the problems – both to the children and to outsiders.

The way we are treated as children and teens informs and affects the way we connect with those around us, even our spouses and families. For example, children born unexpectedly to older parents often grow up as only children.

Their siblings tend to be much older and may have left home already. Their parents might have less energy or inclination to be invested in raising another child, and so remain emotionally distant and enforce almost no boundaries.

This person could grow up being emotionally distant and private because that’s what they are used to. In a marriage they could be uncommunicative and fiercely independent, never asking for help and never invested in anything happening around them. We carry our past into our present.

Other causes of emotional distance in families are infidelity, abuse, substance use, and mental health disorders. Each of these issues comes with a feeling of shame and stigma, making them difficult to talk about even with family members. This silent struggle can account for the emotional distance from family members.

Communication issues

Almost all emotional distance in marriages and families comes from a failure to communicate. It is quite natural for many people to shut everyone out and deal with a deep issue alone. Connection and intimacy are risky for some. Until they learn to overcome that fear, though, they will continue to suffer in silence.

Beginning the healing from emotional distance

Perhaps you grew up in an emotionally distant family or feel your family needs help now. Counseling is a step to consider. Working with a counselor in Westlake, California, either individually or together with family members, could help you uncover the root of the problems. Contact our office today at Westlake Christian Counseling in California to be matched with an appropriate counselor to begin your journey toward emotional health.